My anaconda don’t wan’t none, unless you’ve got buns (encased in an armoured suit and coated in blood), hun
This week we learned about Paul Rosolie, the guy who tried to get eaten alive by a giant snake. Don’t remember this one? Well, Paul is a supposed wildlife expert whose plan was to get eaten by an anaconda, and then make the snake puke him back up. For… science. Oh and of course to draw attention to the plight of the rainforest, obviously. Note: doing something dumb in the rainforest doesn’t make anyone like the rainforest more. Now typically being swallowed by an anaconda involves an important first step: being killed by an anaconda. Our hero, however, had other ideas. Namely, this suit:
Which is only slightly better, and obviously inspired by, this Sub Zero hallowe’en costume:
The suit featured chain mail to protect against bites, a cooling system, special fibres to guard against stomach acid, and its own breathing apparatus. And the cherry on the sundae? He also slathered himself in pig’s blood to be extra appetizing. Sure enough, they did manage to induce a captive snake to attack him, and true to form it started choking the life out of him.
Now if you were going to do battle with, basically a monster, would you remove some of your armour just beforehand? Well our boy did, removing some of his arm protection for better mobility. And then he got constricted by a 6m long snake, and guess what? It almost broke his arm, so he tapped out and his crew of guys had to run in and save him. No being eaten alive. No being puked alive. No nothing, just a guy in a ridiculous suit crying uncle to a snake. Oh and saving the rainforest. Weak.
Do I even need to add that viewers were outraged by the letdown? Or that PETA was furious, because they’re PETA? Yeah. You can watch the whole thing online, but you don’t need to. Maybe the funniest part of this is that my research led me to another great wiki list: the list of television series considered the worst.